Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Alpha and beta subsets, as illustrated by words alone

Not willing to put up with her capriciousness (she cancelled on me twice in two weeks), I cut things off with my girlfriend of several months the week before last. Time isn't standing still, though, so there is no time to lose.

To illustrate the conception of alphaness I'm working under in attempting to gauge it, I'll pull from very recent personal experience. The first block of communication is pretty beta. It's all text--the less urgent the response required, the more humble and thoughtful I'm able to be.

My new primary focus is "dream girl". She just turned eighteen and is enrolled in an online, accredited high school completion program so she can work during the day (this girl has already grown up too fast and wants to speed up the process even more).

Last week, I happen to run into her at a restaurant near her house (that I know she regularly goes to on her lunch break, the time of which I know, as well as that she's working today) as I'm getting lunch. I'm alone and dressed business formal, something she's not accustomed to seeing me in. We eat together, but quickly because I need to get a haircut before meeting someone at one. I relentlessly tease her in a playful way, par for my course. She hugs me twice.

Afterwards, I go to get a haircut and get gas in the same shopping center. By chance (for real this time) I run into her again as she's airing up her tires. I return her favors, for the my first time ever with her, it's a full body lift (where I lean backwards and in so doing lift her off her feet). In the past she's complained about how I always push her away whenever she embraces me. Rather than say "duh, I don't want to get arrested", I've said "just giving my self-control a chance". She said my haircut made me look handsome.

AE being "beta":

(Tuesday, as I leave after seeing her for the second time)

DG: You really did look rather handsome. ;)

AE: I try to be when you're around.

DG: Three hugs. :) That never happens. Must be my lucky day. :)

AE: Seeing you on two separate occasions. It's somebody's lucky day, anyway.

DG: Awhh. :)

(Wednesday, starting at 10:30pm)

DG: Audacious!! I miss you already. :(

AE: Out of sight but on your mind--there is no place I'd rather be.

DG: You wouldn't rather be both?!?!

AE: Ha, I realized you might take it that way after sending. You don't miss a thing, dreamgirl. I meant on your mind, period, of course.

DG: Oh, well you're always on my mind. :) That's a given.

AE: I'll draw on that whenever I need inspiration. Sweet dreams, sweet lady.

DG: Of course, darling. Of you. ;) Good night, handsome.

AE: :)

(Fifteen minutes or so pass. I'm now in bed)

DG: My status is for you, sir.

I hop on the computer and check facebook. Her status reads: "caught by a wave, my back to the ocean. it knocks me off my feet, and just as i find my footing, here you come again. dreamgirl, dreamgirl, dreamgirl..." only one can understand. :)

AE: So is mine, madam.

DG: You don't have one!

AE: Au contrare. Look again.

My fb status now reads: I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside my friend. With each moment, the more I adore you.

DG: Awh. :) You're QUITE adorable.

AE: True. But I'm still a distant second to the princess of adorability (you expected some awkwardness [inside joke] soon, I know) :)

DG: Sweet dreams (for real this time.) :) Now to bed with you.

(Thursday after practice I get on facebook to loaf around socially. It's rapid fire here, plus I'm still wound up, so I'm trending a lot more "alpha")

DG: Come here often? :)

Her status is now lyrics to a song about leaving for a place where palm trees grow or something. I finish commenting on it right after she messages me: "Booked two tickets on Delta, Hawaii-bound. Leaving monday morning, early. We'll arrive on the main island and then ferry to Laysan. It's a mile round, sparsely populated, lots of sand, more than a few seals and sea turtles. Pack your bags."

AE: I know you'd skuttle everything next week if I was being serious.

DG: In a heartbeat [she makes a heart, but as an emoticon--it screws with blogger's code to do it here]

AE: After getting out of the shower this morning I was making eggs and listening to Dreamgirl, imagining myself with Boyd's physique (Julia Roberts stares at him in the kitchen). It was the shit.

DG: That means... I'M JULIA ROBERTS!! I love Steel Magnolias, sleeping with the enemy, My best friend's wedding, Runaway bride.

DG: I didn't realize how much I love her.

AE: Maybe it's suggestive. I didn't realize how much I like the song until recently ;)

DG: Maybe :)

DG: I'm watching the video for the first time now.

AE: Dave looking up at the movie screen in awe. If I wasn't already Boyd, that would be me.

DG: haha, yeah you really look like boyd alright! [at 3:05 in the video]

AE: Obviously I didn't mean skin pigmentation.

DG: :P

AE: The shirts I wear hide a lot. I'm a modest guy.

DG: haha and I'm a daddy's girl [she hasn't seen her dad since she was two--I'm at a loss on responding here, so I just keep quiet and hope she'll move on, which she does]

DG: I'm listening to crash into me now :)

AE: I'm the king of the castle. You know what that makes you.

DG: oh i'm the dirty rascal am i?

AE: You obviously can't be king.

DG: Trying to hold me down. Typical male.

DG: Just kidding! :)

AE: When they play it live, they add "I will be your dixie chicken, if you'll be my tennessee lamb, and we can walk together, down in dixieland." I want to fly so I'm the chicken.

DG: You don't want me to fly? YOU'RE the one who needs to be grounded.

AE: What are you talking about? We're going to be 15000 feet over the Pacific in three days.

DG: :) awh if only

DG: WAIT, chickens can't fly. they can only flutter a few feet!

AE: That's all it'll take to fly up on your back and get tangled up in your wool.

DG: I want to be the chicken and the king :)

AE: Fine. The greedy king will eat the chicken and the rascal will ride in on the lamb to take the castle by force. Looks like you're my servant ;)

DG: what if i'm the king AND the lamb?

AE: Then I'm calling reinforcements. [I make like 30 shark emoticons] Now you're fucked.


AE: Sorry, this is the only way you'll learn.

DG: Pleeeeeease ;)

AE: I would slay jaws and a dragon at the same time to save the princess on those river rocks though. [One of her profile pictures]

DG: that is an awesome picture.

AE: In the literal sense of the word.

DG: "Awe inspiring"

DG: haha, you're a creeper

AE: Right.

AE: lol damn timing. I meant that about the awe inspiring.

DG: haha i know

AE: With that affront, I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams.

DG: Boi noite :) :) :)


If you're still with me, here's the picture I was referring to:


Jokah Macpherson said...

Do the youth still like Dave Matthews Band or is she just humoring you?

Either way, the picture is worth wading through all that dialogue.

al fin said...

I hope you weren't driving while texting.

How about more photos?

KingM said...

So is the primary goal of "game" to turn betas into assholes? Or to convince betas that they're alphas because they're not as nerdy as the guy in the next cubicle over?

Or is it just another spin on the age-old question of how to get into girls' panties?

Whatever it is, all this talk reminds me nothing so much as high school freshmen watching the basketball game, watching the cheerleaders as they get thrown in the air and trying to get a glimpse of the good stuff.

Anonymous said...

The alpha, beta thing is seems too 2-dimensional. There are the real high value folk who are confident, so naturally people are attracted to that. Then there are these so called alphas that have a similar attitude that simulates the qualities people are attracted to. This is more useful for short term relationships than for anything real. As a smart picky chick, I met an older quality guy when I was 19 and married him about a year and a half later. That was 20 years ago. I noticed stuff. He was involved in professional associations, civic associations, had a math based degree and worked in a related field using it. He had a healthy relationship with his mother. Only one cousin divorced. All of his siblings and cousins were educated and working in real fields, accountant, doctor, architect. He was not a loud person, but very quick witted funny, creative and personable. Not tall and not the type other women would chase. Anyway, he was never a doormat. He had high expectations and never pretended to agree with me just because I was young and cute. He had the confidence to politely and sincerely disagree without being insulting, just reasonable and even informative.

If she is smart, she will notice and value the important stuff as she goes along having fun etc. Even young women can be reasonable if they are smart. Winners look for winners. It is just natural.

The real reason 18 year olds don't marry older guys so much now is that the older guys don't ask, and an 18 year old isn't going to ask you. Back when older guys asked, some got yes, some got no. Don't ask, you don't get. Pretty simple. But of course it has to be what you want. I never understood why a 30 year old guy, would want a 28 or 29 year old, when he could get a 22 year old who is basically the same just younger, but whatever.

Anyway after a fair amount of time around a confident, interesting older guy, a younger, awkward college guy will seem like a 12 year old in comparison.

Anonymous said...

You should take Roissy's jumbotron advice. Even if she digs this kind of stuff, I'd be embarrassed as a man to take part in such a saccharine exchange. You're just a step away from calling her "snoogy-woogums"!

KingM said...

I can't imagine being in my mid to late 20s and being interested in an 18 year old girl. I'd be looking for a woman, not a child. 18 is still a child. Maybe a mature child, but still...

Anonymous said...

KingM, I'm 27 and have met a ton of childish mid to late 20 somethings. I also dated a very pleasant 17-18 year old last year.
A girl's age concerns me much less than her disposition. Though all other things being equal, 18 is much better than 28; You get 10 more good years with her, and her number of previous partners is likely much lower.

Anonymous said...

18 is no child. Not by a long shot. These women are toting guns in Iraq.

silly girl said...

Can you do a word count and classification of the adjectives used in the exchange and then make a nice scatter plot and correlate the adjectives to alphaness or betaness.

Okay, I am teasing. Just looking for the quant. ;-)

TGGP said...

Okay, silly girl. You can use this website:
I entered in all the text from when it appeared they were not in meatspace and removed AE's narration. So its all aimspeak.

Text Statistics
General Statistics Word Length Breakdown
Total Word Count: 761
Total Unique Words: 353
Number of Sentences: 94
Average Sentence Length: 8.10
Number of Paragraphs: 1
Hard Words: 28 (3.68%) (what's this?)
Lexical Density: 46.39% (what's this?)
Fog Index: 4.71 (what's this?)

Length Count Graph
1 letter words 44 5.8%
2 letter words 172 22.6%
3 letter words 144 18.9%
4 letter words 170 22.3%
5 letter words 79 10.4%
6 letter words 59 7.8%
7 letter words 42 5.5%
8 letter words 21 2.8%
9 letter words 20 2.6%
10 letter words 4 0.5%
11 letter words 5 0.7%
12 letter words 3 0.4%
14 letter words 1 0.1%

Commodore said...

Okay, niffty as it is, what is with the creeping obcession with game slowly infecting the Sailersphere? Is the quant side of current events entirely too dismal for contemplation? Intellectual pursuit of game seems to be a rather nihilistic path, although I'll cheerfully admit that current events are...well, the same way.

On the lass herself, she seems pretty and she seems to like you, so all the best of luck. Seriously though, gaming an eighteen-year-old is like sandblasting a soup cracker. I smiled at the sweet and silly conversation, who cares how beta it is? I'd rather like women than bed them.

P.S. What's with the term "creeper"? I'd never heard of it before and now it's a very popular term amongst the kids these days.

Anonymous said...

Commodore: The same single guys who can't get dates who are interested in racial statistics are also interested in using science to get women. It's a pretty natural fit, really.

agnostic said...

Well she was just -- seventeen! You know -- what I mean!

Drawn in by the dark allure of brunettes, eh? Your corruption is galloping right along.

I actually don't disapprove so much of the saccharine-ness of the exchange, since she is pretty young. The whole point of negs, etc., is to get past her "bitch shield," and that usually doesn't fully harden until 22 or 23. It takes a good 4 or 5 years of constant male attention, and that doesn't start until the late teens.

If she's the best-looking girl in school, or if she's an alpha female, then even if she's 16 you have to neg the hell out of her.

One constructive criticism: when you said "You obviously can't be king," and she tried to shame you about being a typical male, you shouldn't have said just kidding, but just stuck to your guns, even with a smirk.

Audacious Epigone said...


I haven't kept up with the band much since '04, but over the past year I've gotten back into them. I'm pretty pumped about seeing them in two weeks when they come to KC (Dreamgirl is coming, too).


I wasn't. In the past I might have been guilty, until Randall Parker convinced me that it really was a selfishly reckless thing to be doing.


The second, as I understand it.

Why the aversion to younger girls? They expect less of everything relative to older women except for energy and their shelf lives are a lot longer.


Are you evaluating these attributes in retrospect or were you precocious enough to be sniffing them out at the age of 18. Girls that age tend not to be much interested in provider potential and not at all in the specifics. It neutralizes some of the relative advantages I have around women my own age.


I met this girl at a pool a year ago, so it's not really game per se. That said, I splashed it across this virtual jumbotron. I'm shameless buddy, shameless.


Hah, nice. So it looks like "reinforcements" is the longest word I used. Don't want myself looking too impossibly distant, which is why I wouldn't use recondite or irredentist or soemthing along those lines, even in humor.


No, it's not a cakewalk. There is definitely such thing as being overly assertive or intimidating to an 18 yo girl when you are in your mid twenties. Even though they're hotter than women 5 and 10 years older than they are, the young ones are also far more insecure. If there isn't a certain gentleness and intimacy in your approach, she's probably not going to consider you in her dateable sphere. Her friends' opinions also matter more than they as she gets older, and the pervert hysteria from cockblockers is always a real threat. At 18, her social circle is her life. She might spend 30 or 40 hours a week with her bff of the moment--women in their mid twenties and beyond don't spend that much time with their closest friends in a couple of months.

Re: creeper, it's closer to stalker than pervert. I've heard it pretty regularly for the last few years, although I don't remember it much in use when I was in high school. It has age connotations, too, though in this context I'm pretty sure she was just insinuating that I was looking through all of her facebook pictures in my spare time (the profile picture was an old one, not the one currently displayed).


When those deep, dark eyes stare at you unflinchingly for the entire duration of a conversation, it's difficult to remain impervious.

Re: the male comment, I didn't back down. She was the one who said she was kidding. I've been jumping fences for years!

KingM said...

If I were to go out with an 18 year old girl, I wouldn't get an extra ten years out of her. She'd have an extra 10 years to spend my savings after I died.

The only way this holds is if the primary value of a woman is her relative "hotness."

Sure, who doesn't want an attractive woman. But you know, investing in looks is a little like investing in a big house. After awhile, you only notice your big house when people remind you of it. If, however, you bought out in the suburbs, because that's where you'll get the biggest house for your bucks, you will soon forget the size of the house and only notice the annoying commute that eats up two hours of your time every day.

After you've lived with a woman for awhile, you don't notice how hot she is so much as you start to notice whether she is dumb or can hold a good conversation, whether she's funny, whether she's good in bed, whether she values your wealth or looks to spend it as fast as she can.

Anonymous said...

"Are you evaluating these attributes in retrospect or were you precocious enough to be sniffing them out at the age of 18. Girls that age tend not to be much interested in provider potential and not at all in the specifics. It neutralizes some of the relative advantages I have around women my own age."

Don't underestimate young females. When we met, I was 19 and in sophomore year of college, because I had graduated at 17.

It wasn't so much as sniffing out as just noticing. I also had dated plenty of guys, smart math types only, from gorgeous to average. We went to fraternity parties and clubs. Boring, full of idiots. Older guy took me to the annual party at his professional organization. Nice, with interesting people who didn't talk about getting drunk. Like anyone, I had some friends whose families were a mess because of divorce, discord, idiot relatives etc. So I liked his normal family. There is a different level of comfort when you are around someone who is like you are. I wasn't even considering marriage, but after a while I figured that even in an affluent social circle, there are only so many prizes out there, and another guy like him was not guaranteed to come along, well, ever. That is the intelligence coming in. I still finished college, even grad school, just local. There are several large universities here. I was thin and cute, but I also drove a very expensive sports car that my grandparents bought me, which I am sure didn't detract any from my appeal. It was meant to be I guess. The real point is that there is no reason to think it is impossible to marry a girl who is pretty young who might even say the socially required, "I am too, young," "not ready," or whatever. The longer a girl is with you the more she will want to keep you. You don't have to push. It just happens.

Audacious Epigone said...


You seem to be insinuating that the younger girl is going to be lacking in these qualities relative to someone who is older. I look at it more optimistically--as her looks fade gradually over time, they are compensated by greater maturity, thoughtfulness, etc.


Your story is atypical, but it's still atypical. I assume you married to the man today?

This one notices everything and forgets nothing, even things I've said that I've forgotten about.

Anonymous said...

Tell me more about these "shark emoticons".

Audacious Epigone said...


Type (^^^) in facebook chat and Jaws is there to do your bidding.

Audacious Epigone said...


Forgive my semi-literacy. Yes, I am surprised by how many teenagers in the 17-19 yo range know nineties stuff from dmb. Dreamgirl has them listed as her fourth favorite musical group. Maybe some influence on my part there, but it's not unusual for that age range to be familiar with the music, both newer and aged.

Mark said...

I'm not impressed, I expected more from you.

Your comments to her are sappy and lame. You need more creativity, you need to make her laugh more.

That's not game. When you can carry multiple girls like that simultaneously, then you've got game.

Audacious Epigone said...


I'm not a player, I just hook up with gorgeous girls in their late teens. Could be worse, though, right?

Anonymous said...

"Your story is atypical, but it's still atypical. I assume you married to the man today?"

yes, still married, happy, successful etc.

While my situation was atypical, it isn't bizarre.

You aren't typical either. So, no need to have average expectations. It is reasonable for top 1% guys to get top 1% girls. Top 1% is probably equivalent to top 10% from Blue Valley or Rockhurst high.